Become a vegan for the right reasons

A satire article about amusing incidents of life; all names, events are intended to be fictional
graphic by Anna Petersen

In this day and age there are many different things that people are using to change their lifestyles. Maybe it’s going gluten-free due to an intolerance or trying Paleo to rejuvenate one’s metabolism. And while these are all good things, there are ways to go about it completely in the wrong way. But don’t let that stop you, it’s 2018 and you can do what you want.

If you have wanted to jump on this fast moving train of change but simply didn’t know how, here is a list of ways that you can properly adjust your life for all the right reasons.

You can become vegan/vegetarian with these reasons in mind:

1)      To eat more plants. Do you hate PETA? Show them who’s boss by completely devouring all the food animals rely on for sustenance 0so there is absolutely nothing left for them to eat. Let scarcity of food take the place of the protesting you could have done.

2)      To get more attention. Vegans and vegetarians are actually pretty good people, so why not bring their reputations down and make their lives miserable by completely and inaccurately representing them? Never stop talking about how you’re changing your life because you’re better than all of the non-Vegans. Tell everyone you are vegan, even if they don’t want to hear it.

3)      Is your mother a bad cook? Become a vegan. You don’t have to eat that sketchy meatloaf if it goes against your beliefs.  You don’t have to smile through another bad meal, because you can say, “No, it’s not vegan.”

4)      If you have a friend who you really don’t want to have in your life anymore, become vegan so you can shame them until they don’t want to spend time with you. Like, say things along the lines of, “Are you seriously eating meat? Why are you so inconsiderate? You know I’m sitting right here? It’s like you don’t even understand me…”

5)      You know those “fun facts” you need to share at the beginning of a new class? Don’t panic! Be Vegan. You don’t actually need to be. No one knows you. You’re vegan now.

6)      If you generally dislike the human population as a whole, dissociate yourself from them. Most people like to go to specific places, like Texas Roadhouse, but if you don’t want to hang out with your friends, respond with, “No, I can’t. They really don’t cater to my lifestyle, but I’ll catch up with you guys another time.” And thus, other humans are avoided. Plain and simple, right?

Long story short, you can’t go wrong with going vegan.

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Antonia is a copy editor and writer for The Lorian.

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