Ancient coffee chalices discovered: A satire

In a dig led by Dr. Luigi Fuzzuchelli, a team of archaeologists recently unearthed ancient Christian artifacts etched with Biblical symbols such as snowmen, snowflakes and reindeer.

Chemical analysis has shown the chalices to have held various kinds of lattes and fraps, and carbon dating shows that they were used during early winter and late autumn, near Christmas.

“The Romans had a thriving coffee trade,” said Fuzzuchelli. The governor of the Seattlus province, Starbuckus, converted to Christianity, and served coffee to ancient Christians. He was martyred by the emperor Nero, who sentenced him to vascular constriction of his lower extremities — due to wearing too tight of leggings. Other latte-drinking martyrs were known to have been sentenced to be drowned while wearing concrete Ugg boots.
These coffee chalices were etched with powerful religious symbolism dating back to the time of Christ. Some cups depicted reindeer, elves, ornamental bulbs, snowmen and snowflakes.

After a certain date though, records show that heretical iconoclasts began omitting this sacred imagery from the coffee chalices, opting instead for a simple red design. The Council of Chalcedon famously condemned this, and coffee chalices to this day are required by the Catholic Church to retain their sacred imagery.

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