Are you man enough?

First things first, peasants; You may not like this, but I am what peak performance looks like — the epitome of health. Women want to be with me, and men want to be me. I know everything there is to know about keeping myself in peak health. Today, I will share some of my insights. I will share my experience, knowing full well there is hardly a man or woman who can aspire to such greatness. If they were able to reach these heights, chances are they wouldn’t need to read an article like this. Follow along as best you can, weaklings.

There are a few fundamentals you have to be aware of. You’ve heard all the old maxims like, “Just watch your diet and exercise” or “Simply consume fewer calories than you burn.” I’m here to tell you, kiddos, those pieces of advice are useless, absolutely useless. Diet and exercise are irrelevant to achieving peak health.

First, eat only the best foods. Second, get swol (look it up!), daily. Repeat. Just like properly applying the directions on a shampoo bottle, you repeat ad infinitum or until the shampoo bottle is empty. Every shower, every time. Your daily life must work in much the same way, there are no shortcuts. Eat, be swol, repeat. Currently, there are little weights on my fingers as I type this. My fingers could probably lift more than the average philosophy department faculty combined.

You can’t get healthy without paying proper attention to sleep, that’s just science. Now, there are some science dweebs out there who will tell you to get as much as six hours of sleep a night. Weak. I get no more than four in any given day. Four minutes of sleep is all your body and mind really needs to feel fresh and be recovered. My great grandma sometimes gets five, but in her old age, she’s become less of an inspiration, and frankly, a bit of a disappointment. I recommend stealing away during the day to get your sleep; the best time is on the freeway while your car only has to go straight. Make sure your alignment is good, place your knee under the steering wheel, and take a snooze.

So far we’ve covered food, swol-ness, and rest. Now we talk about pineapples. The word “pineapple” in English was first recorded to describe the reproductive organs of conifer trees (now termed pine cones). The pineapple (Ananas comosus) is a tropical plant with an edible multiple fruit consisting of coalesced berries, also called pineapples, and the most economically significant plant in the family Bromeliaceae. Pineapples do not ripen significantly after harvest. In 2016, Costa Rica, Brazil, and the Philippines accounted for nearly one-third of the world’s production of pineapples. Source, Wikipedia. They also grow right off the ground; I’m not even making this up. Seriously, look it up, they grow on the ground. Seems like it would be a tree fruit or something, but no, they just spring up from the ground like some kind of weird, special, and pointy, above-ground potato.

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