Scientists Discover Portal to Alternate, Boring Dimension

by Francis Patton

Dubuque, IA – Researchers discovered a portal in the Heitkamp Planetarium that leads to an alternate dimension. The portal, which sits on a wall inside the planetarium, was found last Friday during a screening of the third series of the T.V. show “Fringe.” Scientists have said that this discovery likely confirms the “infinite universe” theory present in many current pop culture T.V shows and movies.

The theory states that the universe we live in exists as one of an infinite number of universes with infinite possibilities. Researcher Tim Crowley was happy to explain more.

“The discovery opens up so much possibility,” he said. “If there was ever a major decision you made in your life that makes you wonder what would have happened if you had chosen differently, there is probably a universe where you did go with the other choice. We were so excited to see how all those alternate universes worked out”

When the discovery was made and confirmed, officials from the U.S. government, as well as foreign governments, demanded access to the portal.

“We will not stand by and let the United States monopolize another eldritch resource,” said the foreign affairs minister for Canada. “We demand to see what possible ways minor changes in history could have changed our world.”

However, the minister stands to be disappointed, says Dr. Crowley.

“The world on the other end appears to be 99 percent identical to our own,” he said after receiving the latest reports from scouts. “We’ve been communicating with the other side and comparing records. Every war, every election, all of it. We even got all the genealogical and DNA databases to compare notes. They said that everything lines up perfectly.”

Although it was statistically unlikely, Dr. Crowley and his colleagues all agree that such coincidence is possible. They explained that with the possibility of infinite universes, it was possible to encounter one very similar to our own.

“I had been hoping for an air-ship based planet,” one remarked, staring wistfully at her drink as an intern reported that all candidates received exactly the same amount of votes in both 1992 U.S. Presidential elections. “You know, a world where everyone puts all the technological progress into tying zeppelins onto 17th century frigates. It would have been great.”

After finding near perfect symmetry between the two worlds, most experts agree the portal will become a tourist destination for a few decades, then be slowly forgotten as everyone realizes how awkward it would be to run into the carbon copy of themselves on the other side.

“It’s a shame,” Dr. Crowley says, packing up his equipment. “I mean we did find one difference. In the 1995 season for the Minnesota Vikings, Ed McDaniel had 120 tackles instead of the 115 he had over here. So maybe a fantasy league in Minneapolis turned out a bit different, but that seems to be it.”

The planetarium will continue its scheduled programming. This week, come to see Jeanie Kasper present the majesty of the Northern Lights Friday night, March 9 at 7:00 p.m. Proceeds will support the project to update the projector.

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