Oh No! That’s Your Aura? No, That’s Not Good. Come In, I Guess

By Francis Patton

Hi, yeah, come on in, let’s get this over with. What? You want the full spiel? Buddy, you do not have time. Alright, fine, suit yourself.

Welcome to Mr. Patton’s Mystic Readings, home of wondrous revelations and – look, I can’t stall this any longer, we don’t have time to go through everything I can do for you, because you have a serious problem we need to talk about: your aura. Well technically, your everything is a problem, but how about we start with your aura and move on from there.

No easy way to say this, but here it goes: it’s gross. Normally, an aura is amorphous, a miasma, usually some pleasant colors: greens, blues, purples, you get it. Yours is a sickly yellow and at least 25 percent curdled. That’s right, curdled. I don’t know what causes that, but it can’t be good. No, I don’t think those ghosts behind you are to blame for your aura. No, that’s all on you.

Wait, you didn’t know about the ghosts? Oh, well then never mind, no need to get into it. You sure? Are you really? Because if you didn’t know before, then I’m not sure what telling you is going to accomplish. So, moving on to your – oh you’re completely sure? Fine. I count at least eight, maybe nine. It’s hard to tell because three or four of them have multiple heads and everyone is moving around back there. Yeah, that’s a thing that some ghosts do sometimes. I mean I won’t say it’s uncommon, but I’ve never seen that many do that in one place. Like come on, be honest with yourself. That is not a good sign.

Not all of them are human, no. One of them might be a lizard of some kind. No wait, two of them are definitely lizards. What did you do to lizards recently? Actually, I don’t want to know.

Look, between your aura, the ghosts, the rune on your face –don’t get me started – I need you to get out of here. In fact, you probably need to get moving right away. Just leave; get going. I can’t tell you what’s going to happen to you, but I do know I don’t want it happening in my shop. Yeah, I guess it’s possible for you to outrun it, go for it, what do you have to lose?

Wait, before you go, you’re a Scorpio, right? You really can’t catch a break. Listen, there’s a thing going on right now, I don’t want to take the time to explain it, but cars are not good for Scorpios right now. Planes are a no-go as well. Nope, that too, that’s a bad idea. Trains and helicopters, those would be your best bet. Good luck.

Oh also: that will be $30 for the reading. Yes, I know the sign outside says $25 but trust me, five bucks isn’t going to make any difference for you. Nope, I meant that in a bad way.

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