Lorian ‘Lleven: 11 Things You Think Only You Do
1. Looking at the Q-tip after cleaning your ears. You know you’re a little curious, and you can’t fight the feeling of pride when you see how much you collected. This isn’t gross…right?
2. Getting really excited when you look at the clock and it’s 11:11. This leads you to tell everyone in your vicinity, so they can all make a wish. Sometimes this excitement may lead to you missing the chance to make a wish yourself. No worries though. It will probably happen again.
3. Dreading going out. Though it may be a good time, it means you have to get out of bed and stop binge watching American Horror Story. Ladies, this is when you put on enough make-up for a week and straighten your hair until it’s burnt to a crisp. Men, you have to make yourself smell normal, which could take hours. Nothing’s worse than not being able to lie in your own filth.
4. Questioning your major daily—hourly. I mean how are you really going to use it anyway? Might as well drop out and get a job at McDonald’s. You are guaranteed a lifetime of free breakfast all day long (and death by heart attack.)
5. Checking your reflection in windows as you pass them. Whether you are looking good or looking like an actual homeless person, it’s a moment of true realization. It either keeps you in line or kicks your ass into gear.
6. Deciding to take the stairs because it makes you feel like you won’t have to work out later (even if it is only one flight.)
7. Creeping on yourself. Though many people will admit to creeping on others, you all know you creep on yourselves too. The farther back you go, the more the embarrassment and humiliation will grow. Thank God for puberty.
8. Returning a wave that wasn’t intended for you. Never have you felt more awkward than when you realize they are waving to someone walking behind you. My advice for a moment like this is either own it and keep waving confidently, or put your head down and walk faster.
9. Forgetting to put on deodorant and not realizing it until the body odor floods your nostrils. This is then followed by the effort to discretely smell your armpits, making you look like you have developed some intense tick.
10. Kindly regarding cops in passing hoping they won’t pull you over because of it. This extends to waving, smiling, slowing down even when you are going the speed limit, turning off your music, etc. That white car will never not make your heart race.
11. Ignoring someone telling a story, and then responding to it as though you are completely invested. If they cry, you cry louder. If they’re pissed, you’re boiling. If they laugh, you laugh harder.
These are just things people do. You are no different than the rest.