Sports fans love rankings. We like to be able to assign everything a numeric designation and then use those rankings as evidence to justify whatever stupid opinions we’re spouting at a given time. That’s why all of these rankings exist in the first place; to spark debate. We’ll rank anything, too. I think I saw an NFL Network show the other day that counted down the ten best hats worn by Tom Landry in postseason games.
Power rankings are my favorite. What the hell does that even mean? It sounds like a system you’d use to determine who’d win a fight between Superman and the Incredible Hulk (it’s Supes every time, by the way), not anything that should be taken seriously in legitimate sports. And make no mistake about it, power rankings should not be taken seriously. Any idiot with a media outlet at his disposal can arbitrarily assign power rankings to whatever he pleases.
To prove my point, I offer you my “All-Sports Power Rankings” for October.
1. The Green Bay Packers. Don’t act surprised. They’d be here even if they weren’t 5-0.
2. The f@#%ing Chicago Cubs. The North Siders land this high in my power rankings based solely on the powerful hatred I feel for them. (Awaiting tonight’s result)
3. The Dubuque Dome Rams. My nephew’s youth football team won a triple-overtime thriller on Sunday in the first round of the DIFL Division 2 playoffs. They’ll face the undefeated No. 1 seed this weekend in the semifinals. Go Rams
4. NFL Officiating. Between last week’s “bat-gate,” and this week’s “clock-gate,” the zebras are giving pro football fans and sportswriters plenty to talk about.
5. Jordan Spieth’s caddy. I don’t know the guy’s name, but I know he brought home more cash from tournament winnings this year than Tiger Woods did.
6. Loras Duhawks Football. Nice conference win over BV on Saturday. This offense is very, very good. (What? Can’t I put a real one in with the joke ones?)
7. Patrick Kane. The mulletted Chicago Blackhawks star is off to nice start this season despite some ugly off-ice distractions. Kane is clearly cut from the same cloth as champions like Kobe Bryant, Ben Roethlisburger and Mike
8. Derrick Rose’s left orbital bone. Reports indicate Rose’s surgically repaired fracture is healing nicely and he may be able to return to the Bulls soon – at which time he will undoubtedly suffer an even more devastating injury and miss the remainder of the season.
9. The New England Patriots. Belichick and Brady continue to prove that cheaters often win. Post that on your Snapface page.
10. Iowa Hawkeyes football. 6-0 and ranked 17th in the Coaches Poll and the AP Top 25. But we still want to fire Ferentz, right?
11. Dodgers fans. Still the most dangerous gang in SoCal.
12. The Cincinnati Bengals. 5-0 after a big comeback against Seattle. The Bengals are really glad they didn’t fire Marvin Lewis all those times they should have.
13. Sportswriters who make up meaningless rankings so they don’t have to write a real column this week. You know who you are!