Good God

When the Seahawks defeated the Packers in last season’s NFC title game, despite quarterback Russell Wilson’s less-than-stellar performance, Wilson explained to the media how God set it all up. He said it was God who made him throw those four interceptions so that Seattle’s divinely preordained victory would be more exciting.

Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers responded to Wilson’s comments, saying “I don’t think God cares a whole lot about the outcome. He cares about the people involved, but I don’t think he’s a big football fan.” Then, after the Packers defeated the Seahawks this week, Rodgers made it a point to say “God was a Packer fan tonight.” Some people think Rodgers, a deeply devout Christian himself, was taking a shot at Wilson. I think everyone is missing the point.

What if Wilson was right?

The implications are horrifying. Using Wilson’s logic, wasn’t God just taunting the Packers for the first 56 minutes back in January? Wasn’t God just setting them up, along with all of their fans, for heartbreaking, soul-crushing defeat?

It reminds me of “Paradise Lost.” The villain in Milton’s epic, a tyrant king named God the Father, stages a gruesome battle between two armies. Since the outcome of said battle was predetermined, all the violence is entirely unnecessary; GtF just wants to see a good fight. He even limits the size of the stronger army to ensure the fight makes it past the first round.

Sorry about the 17th century epic poetry digression (hurry back, Dr. Merrill!), I’ll get back to my point.

This whole thing had me troubled. Being the outstanding journalist I am, I decided to go right to the source to get the real story. Printed for you here in its entirety is my 1-on-1 interview with God.

DREW: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me, Mr. God. It’s an honor to meet you.

GOD: “Hey, likewise kid. Love what ya do.”

DB: I know you’re a busy guy, so I’ll get right to it: What role do you play in what happens in NFL games?

G: “You said it, Drew: I’m a busy guy. Especially on Sundays. If I took the time to fix every pro football game, I’d never get anything else done. I like to pop in and screw around with a game here and there, but Sundays are crazy for me. I put Al Davis in charge of all that stuff a few years ago.”

DB: So you didn’t cause Russell Wilson to throw all those interceptions in the NFC Championship?

G: “Nah, Russ did that all by himself. He’s a good kid.”

DB: But why would he say it was you?

G: “He likes to throw my name around, lots of athletes do when they win. They treat me like some kind of mob boss or something; cutting me in when they score, but keeping my name out of their mouths when they get pinched.”

DB: And you’re okay with this?

G: “Pub is pub. It’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve been blamed for.”

DB: Have you seen Aaron’s post-game interview from Sunday night? Do you think he was taking a shot at Russell?

G: “I haven’t seen it, but Kurt Warner sent me a text about it. Aaron’s hilarious.”

DB: So you really don’t care about any of this at all, do you?

G: “Meh.”

DB: What would you tell the people who’ll say I shouldn’t have interviewed you?

G: “Five letters: R-E-L-A-X.”

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