By Lou Stein
Well it’s that time of year again when we open the windows and get ready for a fresh start in the warmer weather. That’s right, there’s nothing like spring cleaning to get your life back into order. As a mature 21-year-old, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stepped into someone’s dorm or apartment and had to take an immediate step out. Some people just don’t know how to get things clean. Like really clean, and not just “doesn’t have dirt clean.” In my never-ending effort to selflessly improve the lives of others, I have decided to compile a list of some deep spring cleaning tips.
1: Start with the closet: Start by going through your closet. Take everything out and sort it into two piles. One of things to keep, and one with things to throw out. In the throw out pile put in everything that you don’t use, is out of style, or doesn’t fit right. Also throw in anything that has the color blue, was given as a ‘gift’ or is made from plastic grades 2, 3 or 7. If you are on the fence about anything, throw it out anyway. You’ll be amazed at how great you feel getting rid of all that old and unused junk.
2: Sanitize: It truly is astonishing how many people do step one and think they are done cleaning for the entire year. The next but oh so crucial step is to sanitize your space. Bleach everything. Who knows what germs are hanging around after cold and flu season. Start by filling a bucket with four liters of bleach and a tablespoon of dish soap. With a sponge thoroughly scrub every inch of your dorm/apartment. Don’t forget the hard to reach areas like window curtains, mattress frames, and the space behind dressers. We all have those little dusty corners, but now is the time to clean it up and prevent the spread of bacteria in your living space. To rinse the soapy solution, take a warm damp cloth dipped in a bit of bleach and wipe it away.
3: Prevent new messes: Now that you’ve properly cleaned up a little, it’s time to start looking into ways to prevent future messes. Take a look around your room, notice anything that may cause a spill or disorder and get rid of it. I don’t mean your coffee pot, it’s very hard for a coffee pot to make a mess on its own. No, the true perpetrator of uncleanliness is your roommate, so do something for yourself this season and kick them out. Either convince them to move out, or if they resist, move all of their stuff out of the space for them. Remember: you’re downsizing. Get rid of that worthless clutter, you’ll be glad you did.
4: Keep it Fresh: The next part of having a truly clean room is for people to know it’s clean. After all, being clean doesn’t really count unless you can lord it over other people. The easiest way to let everyone know you have the cleanest space is to make it smell clean. Use at least three different aerosol air fresheners each day to make your room smell like a flowery spring meadow. Feel free to close your window to prevent dust getting in and the fresh scent getting out. Don’t be afraid of spraying more than one scent at once to make it interesting. Air freshener is your friend now, actually your only friend since you’ve kicked out your roommate.
5: Sanitize even deeper: So you’ve followed all of the steps to clean your dorm/apartment and you find yourself wondering if there is more that you could be doing. Surely there must be a way to go beyond sanitizing the surface of things, and create a space that is truly and deeply clean? Well weep no more, because there is a sure-fire solution to getting the best clean this year, and that is of course, fire. Fire is one of the most sanitary methods when it comes to cleaning, and unlike soap and water, it doesn’t have to be dried down afterwards. The best part is that if you’ve followed all of the steps leading up to this, then burning your dorm/apartment down should be very simple. All those aerosols are perfect for getting a fire to spread and removing plastics and roommates ensures that only the most flammable things are left to be sanitized. If you’re looking for a fresh start this spring, take the freshest start imaginable. After all, the easiest way to keep a house clean is not having one.
(**Disclaimer: this has been and will remain a satirical article; do not commit arson for the sake of cleanliness.**)