Report: Loras first-year ‘totally overwhelmed’ by 3 page paper due next Tuesday

Note: A satirical column about the amusing incidences of college life. All names included are fictional.

Loras first-year Sam Borowski has reportedly been telling everyone who asks him how he’s doing that he is “totally overwhelmed” because of a three-page paper due next Tuesday. He says that even though he’s known about the paper since the start of class, it is “completely and utterly ridiculous” to think that he can get that done in such a short period of time. Borowski continually questioned anyone who would give him the time of day, “I mean, like, do they want me to hole myself up in the library all weekend?”

When asked by Borowski how the faculty could be so cruel to assign this, Loras senior Jennifer Johnson burst into laughter. Borowski awaited an answer for about five minutes, but soon realized that Johnson had not even slowed down her laughter. He continued his hunt for pity in the Pub. By the time The Lorian got to Johnson for a comment, she had tears rolling down her face and was inaudible.

“It’s not that I can’t do that paper,” Borowski told The Lorian, “It’s that I don’t have time to do it. I mean, I’m taking 12 credit hours and trying to get involved with CAB, so my schedule is pretty full. I used to work at the Cafe but soon realized that I wasn’t cut out for that line of work. That freed up a bit of time, but I need some time to kick back and relax, you know?”

“He’s in for a pretty big surprise these next four years,” Sam’s professor, Dr. Long, commented. “It’s just a personal reflection on a reading that we’ve been doing together as a class. This project was designed to ease students into the habit of writing papers. It’s not even the hardest paper they will write this semester for me.”

At press time, Borowski had learned that it was actually a two-three page paper, but still vowed to call it a three page paper in order to make it seem harder than it was.

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