Lou’s Lowdown: An advice column
by Lou Stein
Since turning 21, I’m certain that the worst of life’s troubles are well behind me. This means that I am in the perfect position to help those poor, unfortunate individuals still struggling through the first years of college. In fact, I am so good at helping others that I’ve decided to publish my advice so that more people can benefit from my infallible aide. For instance, a dear acquaintance of mine approached me with quite a problem at lunch this past Tuesday:
“My God Lou, I can’t stand this snow anymore- it’s making my life absolutely miserable! The roads are awful, and my classrooms are always too cold, but worst of all is the walk to class. I have an 8 a.m. and every time it snows, my path is always the last bit shoveled out. So there I am, a drowsy, stressed, college student drudging through ankle deep snow, and climbing up icy, unsalted stairs. It’s not just frustrating, it’s outright unsafe. So instead of risking my life, I have to change my route to class which tacks on an additional 12 minutes to my route.”
Listening intently to his lengthy complaint, I knew just how to resolve this issue. First, it’s important to identify the root (or route in this case) of the problem, mainly the dangerous path to class. Now some less experienced individuals may suggest that the solution is to wake up 12 minutes earlier and take the safer detour, but that isn’t the answer. My acquaintance is already exhausted from waking up for an 8 a.m., and trying to wake up any earlier is mentally draining and wastes valuable resting time. A year ago, I would have advised that he should invest in a sturdy blow torch. It seems like the easiest answer, right? All he has to do is melt the snow and ice obstructing his path and go on his merry way.
Unfortunately, since turning 21, I have been informed (the hard way) that blow torches ‘violate school policy.’ Since the problem is the unsafe conditions at Loras, the only logical solution is to transfer. When broken down logically, if the issue is the snow laden path, then the only way to avoid it is to go somewhere where it just doesn’t snow. I would even be so inclined to recommend Arizona State- a much warmer destination to pursue a bachelor’s degree in. Because as much as we like to pretend otherwise, this is Iowa, and it will never stop snowing here.