Eight ways to end a relationship: A satire

This is the age of destroying your enemies with crippling sarcasm, to use passive aggression to subtly let your “best friend” know that y’all aren’t really friends, or guilt those who are in your group project into realizing they ACTUALLY are the problem.

Using this millennial gift of subtlety, passive aggression, and sarcasm, you too can end the things in your life that are making you upset.

How to end a relationship without having to talk about it.

1)  Become “absolutely crazy,” let your behavior become erratic and terrifyingly spontaneous. The first step appearing crazy is to let paranoia eat your life away. Let jealousy fill your very soul. Every single man, woman, or other can become a threat to the relationship. You didn’t get a phone call that day? They’re cheating on you. They are “visiting grandma?” They’re cheating on you.  Someone enters the same room as you two? They’re cheating on you. But don’t stop there, all helicopters are following you. Chemtrails are real and they are onto you. Have you heard of the Illuminati? That’s what I thought. Every single conspiracy story is fair game. The weirder, the better. Bonus points if you can make one up your own.

2) Let them think you’re losing it. But do it through the power of open browsers and internet history. Who doesn’t want to break up with someone who left their laptop open to “How to repress your inner bloodlust?” How about an unsent email to a psychiatrist which entails “I know you said to stop the urges by writing these things in my dream journal, but I know I need to sacrifice them to the moon God soon.” Never EVER doubt the power of the sentence, “How to best dispose of a body,” yes we all have a friend who knows and you could just ask them… But the internet leaves the creep factor you’re going for.

3) Unfriend them on Facebook, but don’t say anything about it. Social media defines LIFE. Not really, but it seems to be how people make everything look like its fine. Oh look! Olga literally has the absolute best life, she probably lives on a beach and has hired staff to wait on her every need. Now you on the other hand. You unfriended your significant other. How well can things REALLY be going. But then, should they ever bring it up, just laugh. Don’t ever give a straight answer.

4) Form some raging addictions. No one wants to hang out with someone who only focuses on what they’re addicted too. Maybe take up binge eating, or on an opposite scale exercising excessively, the possibilities are endless. Maybe even knitting, then you can make a wall between you and them.

5) Do a family tree search. Photoshop can make ANYONE your cousin. Oops, turns out your Grandmothers had the same gypsy father.

6) Get some hobbies that you are VERY intent on sharing with them. First of all, become ridiculously attached. Make sure you do everything together. Following that start with a picnic, let it lead to trash sorting, and then bugs collection. Next thing you know… bond over taxidermy. Demand if you can collect their toenail clippings if you need to step it up anymore.

7) Start having other people tag along wherever you go. It can be your best friend, their best friend, your best friend’s best friend, bring grandma, bring hobo Joe, bring Dewey the Duhawk, maybe even bring Squibbles, your imaginary friend. Just one stipulation, don’t ever EVER be alone. You must always have that third wheel.

8) Go into witness protection. Change your name. Move away. Never speak again.

Add a Comment