CAB increases e-mail text size in hopes of students actually reading it

A satirical column about the amusing incidences of college life; all names, etc., are intended to be fictional

This past weekend, Loras College Activities Board sent out an e-mail to all students. In hopes that the students would be able to read it, the font size was increased by 10% from their latest e-mail. The past e-mails were, of course, already 300% larger in font size than any other email that is received by students. When asked via e-mail whether CAB would continue to increase font size in future e-mails, CAB sent The Lorian an e-mail consisting of one word – “YES.” Perhaps it’s an elaborate ruse to get students to come to events, and I’m sure we can all agree that it is better than when CAB committee members resorted to walking through the residence halls with a bullhorn shouting out future events.

“It just gives more excitement for events when we give the impression of shouting from a colorful background,” an anonymous CAB member said. “Ever since we hired Brian (Fitzgerald), we have used this type of marketing. It’s a little early to see if it’s been successful, but that’s not stopping us!”

Brian Fitzgerald, former billboard marketing director, has worked with CAB for four years now. He backed up his marketing by saying, “I think that it’s a good strategy to treat every platform as if it were as big as a billboard. I mean, just think about it, have you ever seen a billboard and been unimpressed? I didn’t think so.”

When using a mobile device, users have found that it takes an increased amount of time to scroll through CAB e-mails, sometimes taking multiple swipes just to get past one word.

Junior Peter Green commented saying, “Honestly it’s just so obnoxious that I have to read it so slowly. I have to reread the e-mail about three times before I finally understand what the e-mail is saying. By the time that’s over, I’m often even more confused and the event has already passed.” Green said that, although the e-mail was difficult to read due to the innate largeness of the font, he was able to get to this past CAB event and it was an enjoyable time.

“I just don’t get why they feel like they have to make it so big. The events are good, but the e-mails are almost unreadable. I can read just fine – better, actually – when the font is in standard size. It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

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