by Lou Stein
This weekend, Loras was abuzz with the ever stressful competition that is housing sign-ups. Weeks in advance, lines were drawn and crossed as students made very stressful work of creating roommate groups and mutually agreeable living arrangements. Upcoming seniors, juniors and sophomores took to their computers and sat with baited breath to get their number one spot. Some had their dreams dashed early with the news that their coveted location was already claimed by an RA while others waited with growing dread as they slowly watched all their choices get snatched away by other housing hopefuls. Outgoing seniors watched in relief thankful to be away from the competitive frenzy but were reminded of their own efforts to find reasonable housing on their own this summer. Among the madness there were only a select few who rose above the stress and anxiety and managed to navigate the chaos and find peace with their housing situation. As someone who has it all figured out in life, I was definitely counted as one such person. All across campus, people are mourning the forfeit of prime real-estate and are at loss as to how to cope with their new position. Being the ever generous person I am, however, I will share my top three tips on how to deal with crummy housing scenarios.
Tip #1: Many people have found themselves facing a less than ideal roommate dynamic next fall. For those unlucky students I have this advice: use masking tape to separate spaces within your home/dorm. This will create clear boundaries as to what space belongs to who and will also give you justifiable cause to move their stuff should you find it crossing the barriers. If this fails to create a harmonious environment, then I suggest building a fort on your side and blasting your music so that you don’t have to see/hear them.
Tip #2: Some students have found themselves located far across campus from their first choice housing. This leaves them minutes farther from their classrooms and cultivates extra stress and fears as to having to make the trek to and from their homes. To this I say: Utilize the tunnel system that Loras has so carefully kept hidden from you. Many of us know that the historic campus has an old tunnel system, which existed as a means for travel between some of the older buildings. Using these would be a sure fire way of getting to and from your house to class because they aren’t crowded and are direct paths to classes. Of course, you would have to wear a hard hat and bring a flashlight because they are extremely dangerous and in disrepair.
Tip #3: The last major problem I’ve seen is the poor individuals left in single rooms against their initial preference. Those unfortunate classmates who couldn’t find a roommate group, or didn’t meet the credit requirements for better housing. To them I suggest: spend all of your free time in common spaces like the ACC or Faber-Clark Field. Practically move all your things there and arrive early each day so that you can get all of your socialization in before returning to your quiet living space. Or find ways to lure friends into your dorm so that you practically always have a roommate around. If all else fails, there is always the tried and true method of getting a volleyball and naming it “Wilson.”
To all my fellow Duhawks, I have one last scrap of advice, and that’s to save yourself from all the drama and just get off campus housing next year.
(**NOTE: this has been and will remain a satirical article do not use the tunnels lest you face expulsion**)