Area Catholic condemned to Hell for not being sure who to vote for in election

A satirical column about the amusing incidences of college life; all names, etc., are intended to be fictional

Loras sophomore Justin Payne, who was excited to participate in his first general election, has been condemned to Hell by fellow Catholics following his indecision in the 2016 election. Payne got into an argument during a Binz Hall meeting this past week after he claimed that both Trump and Clinton were terrible candidates, and concluded by stating that “it wouldn’t make a difference” whether he voted for one or the other because they were both abhorrent to Catholic social teaching.

“Catholic social teaching is far more complex than just abortion and gay marriage; there are tons of other issues like preferential option for the poor and care for creation that we need to be aware of as well,” Payne commented. “Yes, I know that issues of life are of utmost importance, but I’m not even sure if tackling abortion laws at the federal level is viable with our society. Maybe we should focus our efforts on the local issue a little more.”

Loras College Republican officer Tricia Johnson was appalled by his statement: “Oh, so you want to continue massacring millions of babies every year then? A vote for Crooked Hillary is a vote for death and is morally inexcusable! You’ll answer to God for your vote!”

Loras College Democrat officer John Jeffries was appalled by statement as well: “Justin, are you for real? You’re considering Trump even after all of the horrible things he’s said? The man condones racism which definitely goes against Catholic teaching. I thought you were a good Catholic, but I guess I was wrong. You’ll answer to God for your vote!”

Payne tried to back up his comments, but ended up just stammering a bunch of incoherent sentences about how both candidates failed to line up with Catholic teaching. After more aggressive comments towards him and a short cry, Payne regained his composure. “Look, I don’t like either of them. Trump is an appalling man who has said and done awful things to women and minorities, and Clinton is an appalling woman who promotes abortion on-demand and demeans the sacrament of marriage. They’re both awful for Catholics. How can I choose one? It’s moral death by pill or by injection, but it’s death regardless.”

Jeffries and Johnson took this as a cue to scream in Payne’s face, calling his comments irredeemable and that he would surely end up in Hell if he did not vote for the candidate they supported.

At press time, Payne has ceased his excitement and pondered the idea of not voting in the election. Jeffries and Johnson got word of this and are currently typing out a lengthy Facebook post to him about how not voting makes him culpable for the direction of the country as well and that, if he decides not to vote, he will end up in Hell.

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