by Lou Stein
Having been a Duhawk for a little over three years now, I know that one the most frustrating things about this campus is parking. I can’t go a week without someone complaining about how “there are never enough parking spots,” or how “they had to park so far away from their dorms.” And God forbid you live somewhere were the only alternative parking arrangement is parallel and on a hill, because at that point, why even bother? I know that the lack of sensible parking has left many people feeling hopeless and frustrated. Truthfully, this is one issue that had me stumped for some time, but knowing how many people listen to me and rely on me for life advice has motivated me to crack down on this issue until reaching a reasonable solution. Well ladies and gentlemen, I’ve done it. For the first time ever, I am ready to reveal the foolproof methods to always have a sensational parking spot on campus.
The first thing to getting a good parking spot is to realize that this is a no-rules fight. Just like real estate parking, it is all about location, so the number one thing to do is scope out your spot. Once you know where you want to park, I first recommend going out with some chalk and writing, “RESERVED FOR _____,” boldly within the spot. If you really want to send a message, consider adding some brightly colored cones around it so that other students know to stay away. If you should find this method ineffective against the chaotic traffic of the Binz/LMAC lots, then the next step is to take it up a little. Remember, college students are like wild animals, so don’t be afraid of employing the same techniques wild dogs do to mark their territory. If you somehow feel embarrassed marking your parking spot with bodily fluids, know that this just means you don’t want the spot bad enough, and you didn’t deserve it in the first place. For those wise Duhawks who have followed all of the previous methods and are still unable to find reliable parking, I have this last bit of advice: hire a tow truck and have them clear a spot for you. This method not only guarantees that you will always have a spot available, but it also sends a message to other students that you are willing to guard your parking spot against intruders. I hear some of you saying, “But Lou, tow trucks are expensive!” to which I reply: so was your parking pass. If you can’t use it, you’re going to end up wasting your money anyway.