1. They combine the most majestic part of Mother Earth (sea) with the most majestic land creature (horse) to form a swirly, angelic life form.
2. They also combine two genres of music in their scientific name: hippocampus kuda. The artists I’m referencing are a hip indie band called Hippo Campus (which you should listen to if you want to impress your friends) and rapper, Kid Cudi. Bonus points if your immediate thought went to the part of the brain that stores memory and emotion.
3. The aqua-ponies have an exoskeleton like sharks. This is cool, and if I have to explain why sharks are cool, then I defer you to Shark Week for more information.
4. Their tube mouths keep their words pure and kind. Seahorses don’t stress you out. They just live and let be. They won’t assign you homework. They won’t break your heart.
5. They dance when they’re finding a soul mate. No Netflix and Chill here. You won’t find these fellas hanging around Gin’s.
6. Along with that, they’re monogamous, meaning that they only mate with one seahorse for life. Scientists explain that this is because “they never complained about going to Sunday school growing up and didn’t listen to the rock and roll music.”
7. A baby seahorse is called a fry. If they’re in France, then that would make them French fries. If you visit them, you’ll meet cool French guys, which is probably really nice.
8. Mystery the Seahorse was almost named Debbie, which means that seahorses are good enough to be named Debbie. And if you’ve ever met Debbie in the CM office, then you’d understand what I mean, here. (It means she’s really great). Wee snaw.
9. They care more about pizza rolls than they do gender roles. They don’t eat pizza because they’re fish and that would be an abomination, but the male seahorses take care of and gestate the sea children so the females can do coral-rat stuff.
10. However, they WOULD eat pizza rolls if they were available to them. Seahorses digest food so quickly that they need to eat almost constantly.
11. If A = 1 and Z = 26, then S+E+A+H+O+R+S+E+S= 109. And 109% is a more than perfect test score. We should all summon the spirit of the seahorse in these last few weeks of school. Don’t give up just yet.