Lou’s Horoscope

Aries

Mar 21- Apr 19

Dark times are coming your way, Aries. Those midterms you were going to study for? Don’t bother. The stars have seen your future, and your fate is sealed.

Taurus

Apr 20- May 20

Still stuck on what to wear as a Halloween costume, Taurus? The stars say, steer clear of the sexy politician outfit, and do something scary. Like dropping the mask of constant pretension and letting your friends see the real you.

Gemini

May 21- Jun 20

Get out of town this fall-free-day break. Go somewhere new and distant. The farther the better. After all, there is no better way to see new sights and avoid untimely demise than a brief stint to Spearfish South Dakota.

Cancer

Jun 21- Jul 22

Ever wonder if you’re in the right major, Cancer?  Do you sometimes feel like you are going in circles without any real direction? Or maybe your marriage is a sham anchored only to your feelings of a mutual friend? Weird, don’t think too much about it. This month is all about distracting your uncertainty with hobbies like crafts and bird watching.

Leo

Jul 23- Aug 22

This month is a great month for connections, Leo! If there is someone that’s been on your mind lately, now is the time to step up and make a move. Don’t worry about taking things slow. Jump right into sharing your most intimate feelings. Life is short and love is unpredictable- get to it.

Virgo

Aug 23- Sep 22

The planetary configuration is not looking great, Virgo. You’ve been working really hard on that group project. But it looks like none of your group members are going to be picking up the slack. Ah well, nothing you’re not used too.

Libra

Sep 23- Oct 22

Feeling overwhelmed? Well so are the stars. Do you think it’s easy figuring out everyone’s future all the time? Jeez Libra, think about someone else for a change.

Scorpio

Oct 23- Nov 21

Worms, ash, and a viscous, slow-moving, leak of shiny red fluid are in your future, Scorpio. Not all at once mind you, unless you’re one of those freaks that like burning earthworms. Gross. What was I saying? Anyway, the point is to watch out for oncoming traffic when you cross the street this week.

Sagittarius

Nov 22- Dec 21

Be warned, Sagittarius! One of your friends is a snake- watch out. The stars want to be clear: none of your friends have been unfaithful, rather you are friends with a 5’ 4” tropical snake in a trench coat. The stars were hoping you’d figure this one out for yourself, but you were taking too long to catch on.

Capricorn

Dec 22- Jan 19

Boy where does the time go, Capricorn? One minute it’s September and everything is well, and the next it’s October and the semester can’t end fast enough. Fear not, the stars want to remind you that unless you manage to graduate early, you still have another semester coming down the pike- and it will be way worse.

Aquarius

Jan 20- Feb 18

Remember when your friend made that really out-of-character comment at lunch? The stars remember too. They agree, that was totally out of the blue. No, don’t ask about it- maybe it will go away on its own. There’s probably nothing you can do anyway, Aquarius.

Pieces

Feb 19- Mar 20

Woah there Pieces, just because you’re excited about Halloween doesn’t mean your friends are. Frankly, it’s starting to wear on their nerves. Give it a rest, and focus on something productive for a minute.

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