By Francis Patton
Dear Reader, I speak to you in the style of personal address and over familiarity, not because I tire of my favored genre; Eldritch Absurdism. No, I use this clichéd and overwrought voice for I am to leave this campus by the end of the month and never to return, barring several class reunions, accepting the numerous honors that are sure to be awarded to me, and if I’m ever bored and in Dubuque for a day. Due to my incoming departure, I find it necessary to adopt this style for my last piece of writing to you in that hopes that it shall sound profound and color your remembrance of me as wise, despite the pettiness and superficiality of the text within.
As I look back upon my four years, I think of all the things I did not get to say. Sometimes I regret holding them back, be they kind or snarky. In the spirit of spection, both retro and intro, I call into mind the things I might have said during the last four years. These thoughts are most important too. They represent the purest representations of my inner monologue, and I hold them all equally close to my heart.
To my friends, I thank you for your companionship. Classes are better with people to commiserate with. Thank you for listening to my weird jokes. Good luck on what you do, I know you’ll do it well. I hope I look forward to when we can see each other again and talk about how we’re doing, what we’ve done.
To the guys who play music in the dorm showers: Where do you find such confidence that you think you can and should inflict your musical taste upon everyone else? I understand the appeal to playing music while you bathe. However, the common idea is to add an ambiance to comfort of bathing in your own home. You have got to know that your “comfortable ambiance” interferes with everyone else’s shower? I’m taking a shower, just me and my thoughts, when in come you, with your Bluetooth stereo system and frankly, the worst Spotify playlist ever. If you carpool with a bunch of people, do you only play your music in your car, or do you also try to play DJ in someone else’s ride? Also astounding is the way you never play any songs that I like. Now I like a lot of music, a fair amount of everything. But you must be downloading all your playlists from a royalty-free music site, judging by how vague and disappointing it is. I am honestly disappointed by the sheer amount of boring songs you all are listening to. Improve your lives.
And finally, I would like to thank my professors. Over the last four years, I’ve had a wonderful time taking classes here. I’ve learned a lot, and I can’t deny that it’s with your help I am where I am today and will be tomorrow. I’m glad to know you all, and eager to maybe see you again. Now that I will be graduated, our relationship will have to change from teacher and student to friend and equal. It feels weird to realize we have known each other for four years. With that amount of time, I would consider us as being on a first name basis. Though we’ve disagreed about many things, I am thankful for your help and guidance. So I say it again, before I leave. Thank you, Andy, Bill, Erin, and Kevin. If anyone asks me where I developed my style and voice, I will do you a favor and tell them I went to UD.